Up’s and Low’s

Hi

This is just going to be a life update post

2+ months into living in a foreign country have left me feeling all kinds of things.

I’m deliriously happy sometimes and inexplicable sad the others. But if it only oscillated between the two, I would at least have a sense of predictability and comfort. Alas, tisn’t to be.

I am pleased to have had a surplus harvest of epiphanies. I have had deep profound conversations with the people from back home, both about my life and life in general. There is something about being in the moment and just speaking out loud. It still amazes me how much sense I can make when I am helping someone out and yet fail to use that calm level headed mind for myself.

I have definitely been juggling around with high bouts of anxiety. A way I have find to calm myself down is to do repeatedly play a song or two and after a while either I am okay or I get tired from spiralling, which honestly both ways work.

My journey into adulting also has not been one of smooth sailing. Only because I am constantly scared that I will be exposed out to be a child pretending to adult. If only my mind would stop convincing me that I am not. I have always been a responsible person and it definitely helps me here to be organised and uptight, after all it is the first time I have been away from home.

It also doesn’t help face my imposter syndrome when I quite literally don’t fit in. Be it in the outwardly appearances or inwardly. People here are so different and I obviously did not expect anything different. But sometimes you just can’t help feeling that if only you have your people here, maybe just maybe things would be slightly better.

Luckily enough, me being me, I have yet again found a friend that is a joyous, sassy amalgamation of a couple of friends back home. It is such a happy coincidence. And sometimes all it makes me feel is that I should look up to the stars and thank them for having my back.

Another issue that now comes into focus is that I know I come on too strong. I am loud, boisterous and sometimes funny. I thrive when I feel like a mirror ball. I will actively put myself in situations to feel like one. And that coupled with a bunch of other things, makes my combination someone you admire from far away and confide in when you need help. But it is not reciprocal. Not really. Not at all, in fact. I struggle in telling my own people things. I am not ashamed of vulnerability. But it always boils down to liability. (2 of my all time favourite songs in the same para lol)

I like fitting in but I don’t. Most times I don’t mind fitting in, standing out sounds great. But sometimes, just sometimes I just want a person. A single person. My person.

And recently my current person who is miles and miles away, through some weird cosmic misbalance is making me weep. Not in the bad way. But I don’t even think in a good way. A simple, seemingly thoughtful sentence is throwing me off. It breaks me down and I don’t know why or even how.

I know this post honestly sounds like a bunch of low’s. So here’s a couple of high’s xD

• I experienced my first proper snowfall. I played for over an hour and I genuinely had a great time.
• I have tried a lot of new things and quite frankly definitely enjoyed the highs of it.
• Making not one (actual) but two (kinda) friends has also been good.
• My german has definitely improved
• I am technically closer to my friends back home lol
• My cooking has definitely reached another level. Good level 🙂 And I am quite pleased with that.
• I got the module I wanted for my next semester!

This brings me to the end of this very emotional dumping.

Quick Q

Should I take part in the A-Z?

If I do, it will just definitely short posts about my stay here.

Soooo do I?

Do I not?

Help me make the decision lol

See ya,

Dream

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