Recondite

Hey everyone!

Back here with a lot more words.. I guess third time really is the charm.

Firstly, let’s address the title.

This is a new word for me. I learnt it 5 seconds ago when I was hunting for a word that could capture the feeling of secrecy and ambiguity and also be a word that was uncommon (according to me, at least) and voila, Recondite appeared.

Now why the feeling of secrecy?

Because from the day my last post appeared to this I have been harbouring many secrets. Secrets that don’t actually have to be secrets but my mind insists on them being lost to the world of people anyway.

I have done many new things, (not in the sense of hiding a body, although I am hiding myself, does that count?) and undertaken covert missions. (Lol look at me trying to make a boring life into one of clouded mystery)

Some of the secrets I am willing to spill are:

1. No one in my life knows (except the one who commented on my previous post) that I have returned to the world of words. I haven’t been publicly advertising this particular melancholy of mine. Plus it would completely destroy the purpose of my “fake it till you make it” attitude as told, again, in the previous post. I would also have to face the music of my Pain (see what I did there?)
2. I have taken small steps to actively work on myself. And I am enjoying it. I’m trying to get in tune with myself so as to hear me more clearly and I like it. I have also undergone small but subtle changes. Mostly noticeable by me, but one that you can see is that my blog has changed it’s view!
3. Through a dumb but big misunderstanding I have fallen out of sorts with one of my closest people. Although there have been conversations about it, with that said person and a couple of others, I still don’t get the feeling we are out of this funk. And on every level it kind of nags at me. I don’t know what to do because I have done everything there is to be done.
4. And speaking of 3. I feel and my mom whole heartedly agrees that I care too much. Much too much, like way beyond the maximum level. But this is not to be confused with caring about strangers. Though I do, it barely breaches the average amount. I am referring to people I care about.. wait lol… I mean people in my close circle. Through time and trust, of reason and heart these people have managed to carve out holes, windows, doors in my walls and found a comfortable place to settle in. So maybe it’s my hospitability complex or maybe it’s the fact that they managed to get in there and gain so many pieces of information about me and still like me. And so my mind and my heart argue, isn’t that precisely why I should care so much? Isn’t that reason enough to fight to protect? So how do I overcome this? Should I even overcome it? I honestly don’t know.
5. There are a couple of more secrets. Secrets, I wish to keep so close to myself that I don’t even want to hint at it. It’s just that I feel for the first time in my life, I’m leading a double life. All of these things and the rest I would have gladly told someone, at least one soul but right now? and maybe for a long time I don’t feel like. And that my friend, is a secret in itself.

Am I hiding? Maybe?

Am I evading people? Not actively but yes?

Am I being elusive and not letting others be privy to my thoughts? Kinda

But am I kind of okay with it and enjoying it? Definitely.

Is this healthy? I don’t know.

What do you think?

xo Dream

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