Pain

Hey

I know it’s been forever.

I just didn’t have the words

I don’t think I still do

Up until now I think I have been very numb and its hard to write when you are

I feel extremely lost, a month ago my future plans felt through, more accurately- delayed. But my overthinking mind refuses to see that technicality. It feels like a loss, even though I don’t think loss feels like that. I don’t think I am struggling, even though my heart definitely disagrees right now.

It’s been easy to put up a front. It has been easy to dismiss my thoughts. It has been easy to get sucked into the monotony of doing nothing and pretend everything is fine.

It has not been easy to feel. It has not been easy to break down like this. It has not been easy to stop myself from constantly worrying and feeling extremely overwhelmed. It has not been easy talking about this. In fact, I haven’t. At all.

It has been extremely easy to spoil my attitude, my health. It has been so easy to evade sleep till I simply can’t keep my eyes open (around 3 am). It has been so easy to just sleep and sleep and sleep some more (11 am, oh who am I kidding, 12 pm)

And the hits? They just don’t stop coming. Its just one thing after the other. And there are subtle and some not so subtle reminders of everyone else living their lives and having the time of their life. I’m not jealous. I just want what was mine. And apparently that’s too much to ask.

I don’t even know why I am here (works for my situation and here, this blog)

Writing here after everything just feels weird. Foreign.

How did I ever do this?

I am going to go. I have given myself a splitting headache by feeling my feelings and et voila its 3 here.

Bye,

Thanks for reading?

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